Question for a psychologist:
Hello, the situation is quite ordinary, but I don’t see a way out, no matter how hard I try. I have an 18-year-old daughter, until the age of 10, a child who did a lot of things, was interested, then a decline, rare peaks of activity, studied worse and worse every year, there were many reasons : ridicule from classmates, frequent criticism from me and from my former mother-in-law, who took an active part in raising her daughter, absent-mindedness. The family situation was also difficult, when my daughter was 4 years old, they divorced her father, he went to the capital, there is another family there, but the relationship between father and daughter is quite benevolent, but very rare, I and my daughter’s grandmother were involved in raising and tightening the screws, in 11 daughters years old, I got married for the second time, gave birth to a son, but the marriage was unsuccessful, the courts, the division of the youngest child coincided with the transitional age of my daughter. By the 9th grade I realized that I had to try to cope on my own, because... there was constant hopeless lies, the grandmother finally began to fulfill her direct functions - feeding her Sunday lunch. We started going to psychological courses together, my daughter is in a teenage group, I’m in a parent group, I read the books recommended in the group, I understand that we need to control less, give more independence, but nevertheless, our life is still like a swing, I’m holding on, I’m trying not to interfere, but usually by the end of the school year a collapse occurs, from which I try to pull her out, to encourage her in the spirit of “come on, come on, you can do it.” Now she is studying on a paid basis at a linguistic university, in the first semester she was enthusiastic, liked everything, but then the old school story began, complete apathy, it takes a long time to get ready to start, does not have time, forgets, in addition, I began to get sick more often with an allergic runny nose, which I did not have before was. then headaches, then palpitations. At the end of the second semester she began to say that she didn’t want anything, that she didn’t understand who she would be, what she would do after graduation, but she didn’t know exactly what she wanted, if she went to work again she didn’t know where... I see it’s true that she understands, that her situation is not easy, she tries to read, to figure out what’s wrong with her, but she sees that she will have to make an effort and is very afraid of this. Of course, I know that these are all my daughter’s problems, that she is not me, an independent person, and so on, but it is very difficult for me to understand an 18-year-old young lady lying on the couch all day long, when it’s time to live interestingly and cheerfully. How to proceed? Should you be patient and not interfere? But how to do that? While it doesn’t work out, I break down, conflict, control, advise, talk, explain, but I don’t see any changes or I don’t notice them because of their vanishing smallness.
Psychologist Yulia Evgenievna Tolstova answers the question.
Hello Maria!
The problem you described consists of two aspects: your level of expectation towards your daughter and the intrapersonal conflict of the child herself (Even though she is 18 years old, it is still difficult to call her an independent person? Do you agree?).
So, let's start with you and your expectations. Answer yourself the question: “What kind of daughter do you want to see?” Of course, every mother wants happiness for her child, and moreover, she knows how to achieve it, based on her own experience. You are trying to do everything to make your daughter happy: go to psychological courses, read books, follow advice, pull her out of collapse at the end of the school year, but things are still there. The daughter does not become happy, she does not live interestingly and cheerfully, as one should live at 18 years old. Your expectations are not met. And you break down, conflict, control, advise, talk, explain, but again there is no change.
But for some reason the word “love” was never mentioned in your letter. Of course, you will say: “Of course I love my daughter!” It is obvious!" But you can love in different ways. It can be for something, or it can be for free, simply because there is a child.
In the situation that has developed in your family, it was your girl who suffered the most. She is the one worse off than all of you. It is she who feels lonely, it is she who experiences neurotic, somatic disorders and a malfunction of the autonomic nervous system (headaches, palpitations, apathy). She is the one who is not confident in herself and is afraid of difficulties. Because once upon a time “the ridicule of classmates, your frequent criticism, the difficult situation in the family, tightening the screws” led to the fact that your child developed low self-esteem (which is formed by parents in childhood). The girl does not feel confident, does not know what she wants from life, and is afraid of responsibility. As a result, apathy and “lying on the sofa” arise, which bothers you and makes you irritated (“..... but it’s very difficult for me to understand an 18-year-old young lady lying on the sofa all day...... it’s very difficult for me...”) .
What to do?
First of all, just love your daughter for who she is, without trying to change her through criticism. Help her feel that you are a reliable shoulder, show patience, wisdom and tact towards your daughter.
This is on your part, but on the child’s part it is better to contact a psychologist personally. It will help you understand how and why you need to become an adult, that is, take responsibility, and help increase your self-esteem.
Please help me with advice on how to cope with emotions regarding my 18 year old daughter.
It’s difficult to restrain yourself and not scream if you come home from work, and at home your adult daughter is lying on the sofa and nothing has been done around the house. She has no desire to study, help around the house, is rude, has no common language with her friends, has gained weight, spends all her time at home, is not interested in anything. Hands down.
Student debts. He doesn’t want to do anything on his own, only under pressure. We are tired as parents.
It’s probably not easy for her either, but we can’t study for her, communicate with friends and work so that we have money for entertainment. But we can’t always give her money for expenses, we still have children. We counted on her consciousness and independence as she grew older - they miscalculated...
We want to separate her from her family into an independent life from the age of 19, maybe we are in a hurry? She's a full-time student with two more years left...
Hello, Natalia!
Agree that if your daughter had behaved differently, it is unlikely that the thought of separating her from the family would have occurred to you right now. Unfortunately, what you described requires taking not gradual, but rather decisive measures. Try to talk with your daughter and discuss this situation from the perspective of her behavior and the need to take action:
- show her the family budget: how much money is spent on groceries, utility bills, etc.
- Invite her to write down all her expenses
- discuss the situation with her and listen to her opinion
- offer your options and listen to her
- if there is no reaction, take measures unilaterally. Tell her that you love her very much and that is why in this situation you are ready to take decisive action
Natalia! Discuss the measures first with adult family members. They should not be harsh and adequate. Be ready to help, for example, in finding a job. Still, the day department makes its own adjustments.
Be patient and calm. All this is for the good.
Love and wisdom to you.
If you need help and want to figure it out, ask for advice.
Psychologist Nikulina Marina, St. Petersburg. Consultations in person, Skype
Good answer 3 Bad answer 2Hello, Natalia.
You raise a very difficult question, a question that is acutely facing modern society. A generation of infantile young people is growing. This is a consequence of the historical features of the development of our Soviet and post-Soviet space.
My personal opinion is that now you need to do what you were unable to do while your daughter was growing up. It is necessary to gradually form in her a sense of her own responsibility and the significance of her own life. Perhaps this is not a strong task for you, then pass it on to a specialist. Working with a psychologist, the girl “will be able to stand on her own legs and walk,” but now she is not capable of this. And to put her outside the threshold in this state, in my opinion, is cruel. Although there is an opinion that this is exactly what should be done. There is truth in this position; once in a stressful state, the body must mobilize and begin to function. The only question is that not everyone will be able to overcome this period and that the aftertaste of betrayal remains.
Kanaeva Anna, Gestalt therapist Almaty
Good answer 4 Bad answer 0
We want to separate her from her family into an independent life from the age of 19, maybe we are in a hurry?
How else can you help a growing person feel responsible for his life? Perhaps something in her upbringing was missed even before that - naturally, you tried your best, but perhaps you did a lot for her yourself, considering her “not yet mature enough.” And then it became too late - she got used to the fact that you would constantly back her up and do a lot for her. Therefore, now an adult child, having not felt that if NOT SHE, then NOBODY, is unlikely to learn how to earn money on her own. Those. separating from you may very well help her begin to take responsibility for herself. And you won’t have to ask 100 times for her to help you. Let him feel, for example, what it’s like to live for weeks in an uncleaned apartment. After all, only through experience can you understand what it’s like to be responsible for your home, your contents, your appearance, and your communication skills.
And you can certainly be supportive and responsive if she asks for help. But already as with an adult. And perhaps she will be uncomfortable for some time, she will be offended by you, but she still has to grow up someday, and the sooner you help her with this, without exacerbating her infantilism, and by giving her the opportunity to feel adult life, the sooner she will stand on her own two feet.
Sincerely, Nesvitsky A.M., consultations on Skype
Good answer 4 Bad answer 1fears that appeared just in adolescence, which may emerge during or after a conversation. This is one of the reasons why parents unconsciously avoid such contacts with their growing children.
There is a good question: “what would you like to hear from me?” It is good for both your daughter and you (what you want to hear from her). You can try it for yourself. Sit down and write an answer to this question. The result inside will tell you what to do next.
Love.
Osintseva Anastasia, psychologist, Obninsk
Good afternoon My daughter is almost 13. She has never had any problems with her studies. Since preparatory courses for school, she has developed the habit of packing her briefcase on time, doing her homework in advance, etc. I don’t delve into her lessons, I don’t control her, but she can always come up and ask for help, and I always help when she needs it. In terms of order in the house and help around the house, the situation is the opposite. If I say, put away the dishes after eating, throw away the candy wrappers, etc., he nods his head and forgets after 2 seconds. It simply doesn't matter to her. I can make comments, persuade, remind, swear ad infinitum, which is what I have been doing for 10 years every day. I already turned to psychologists earlier, when my daughter at the age of 9-10 needed to be reminded to brush her teeth, and all the psychologists unanimously answered that I should leave her alone, she herself should realize her needs, realize that this is important. Recently, the situation has become more complicated because our grandmother (my mother) became seriously ill with cancer. And my great-grandmother lives with us, also a bedridden sick person, everything is on me. It has become difficult for me, now I ask my daughter to at least take care of herself. No one says that she should do everything herself, but at the age of 13 I think the child is already capable of at least taking things to the laundry. Or sometimes help with cooking and cleaning. She never refuses, but again she ignores everything and forgets. Or she says, yes, I’ll help, but continues to sit in her room, then snaps that she will do what she promised, but someday later. Every time I am faced with a choice, either remind, control, keep everything in my head for her, and even waste time on arguments and bickering, or it is easier to do everything myself and not waste my nerves. She was talking seriously, she understands and realizes everything, but things are still there. If anything, I’m not at all neat to the point of insanity, but I also can’t walk around in dirty clothes and look at mountains of dirty dishes.
March 27, 2017
Alla1
Evgenia Sergeeva
Administrator
Allah1, good afternoon. The psychologist will answer you after some time
March 27, 2017
Hello. The psychologists are absolutely right.
If you don't give her responsibility, how will she take it?
What will happen if you stop reminding her?
March 27, 2017
I stopped. We are waiting for the dirt to fall off the shoes on its own) should we continue? How long is it appropriate to wait for a child to walk around dirty and not even think about taking his clothes to the laundry? several months, a year? I think she’s already used to it, she’ll do just fine.
March 29, 2017
Alla1
You have the right to create rules. For failure to comply with which something will happen to her. If her shoes are dirty, then dirt in the hallway is inevitable. This means that your clean floor is automatically ruined because of such shoes. She has the right to wear any shoes, whether clean or dirty. But then she must somehow isolate her. Place in a bag, in a separate box. So that the shoes don't stain anything else. Create difficulties for her so that her desire to be dirty creates difficulties for her. But the conversation should be in the best traditions of active listening. Read books by Julia Gippenreiter.
Now about the reasons.
I had a case in practice when a mother complained that her daughter was a slob. Unfortunately, the mother herself was just like that and she was irritated by her own quality in her daughter. Naturally, a daughter cannot be a neat person, because she takes her example from her mother.
During adolescence, some sloppiness is normal. But you write about the fact that for 10 years it has been impossible to accustom her to order.
Let's go from the other end. How does this situation benefit you when your daughter doesn’t clean up after herself?
Maybe this is how you support your need?
Like, she will never be able to take care of herself fully, and that is why she will always need me. Other options are also possible.
March 29, 2017
I absolutely don’t need this issue, especially now, when I’m just stuck with two bedridden patients and work. I just need help from her, and so that some of the problems can be removed from me. Negotiate?... “You don’t help me, and I won’t help you?” Dubious exit. Problems will also begin in your studies. Offer to get something in exchange for help? I already suggested a trip to the camp during the holidays. Doesn't stimulate at all. She knows that summer will come and I will be sorry that the child is sitting in a stuffy city. And in any case, I will take pity and send her to the camp. Offer her to find a way out herself? All the talk boils down to the fact that I (and not she) will strain myself, push myself and buy and do whatever she wants. Not at her expense. All that remains is punishment, deprivation of some benefits... I don’t see any other way out
March 29, 2017
Alla1
Offer to get something in exchange for help?
Click to expand...
I didn't offer this to you.
“You don’t help me, and I won’t help you?” Dubious exit.
Click to expand...
Did I offer you this option?
March 29, 2017
The link is not working, but I assume that this is what we are talking about:
Son: I want XBOX
Mom: Why?
Son: I'll play. This is cool. You can move there.
Mom: Why don’t you still have it?
Son: Because you don't buy!
Mom: Why don’t I buy?
Son: Because you have no money.
Mom: Not at all?
Son: Yes, but you won’t spend them on XBOX
Mom: Why?
Son: Because you spend it on other things.
Mom: Which ones?
Son: Probably for more necessary ones.
Mom: What can change the situation?
Son: What if we spend less?
Mom: What are you willing to give up for XBOX?
Son: From cinema and sweets
We have reached this point, and here I am being asked to spend less on my needs, and not on hers.
March 29, 2017
Alla1
But you can say that you think this is unfair?
You can ask how she would feel if you did exactly the same to her?
March 29, 2017
And she thinks it’s fair that mom will buy everything she needs. And I wouldn’t say that she is very spoiled, but we update her phone every couple of years, and I won’t leave the child without a bicycle or a summer vacation. She knows very well that no matter how much I threaten to deprive her of something, I still won’t leave her without the most necessary things, all the scandals will be forgotten anyway, I will melt, and by the summer all the necessary minimum will be bought. Maybe this is just the problem?
March 29, 2017
Alla1
Certainly.
But you still need to give her the opportunity to understand your feelings. Without reproaches and scandals. With immersion into the inner world of a child. Because a child’s behavior is a reflection of an adult’s actions. You will get to know yourself through it.
Don't forget about Julia Gippenreiter's books)
Hello. 2 weeks have passed since our conversation. Are there any changes in your daughter’s behavior? Are you able to negotiate with her? Are there any difficulties?
March 29, 2017
Good afternoon Thank you for your attention to our problem. There are no changes. You need to be reminded many, many times to get something done. When I have patience, I do it. When my nerves run out, I break down and scream. Usually after this day 2-3, the daughter, fearing repetition, does everything you don’t ask. Negotiate... How to do this? I need her help because I can’t cope on my own anymore. I also can’t offer anything in return right now. I don't have time for anything. Yes, she never refuses to help, she always says yes, but she just forgot, it wasn’t on purpose. etc.
I understand that it’s not good to compare, that somehow we need to accept children as they are, but this is a cry from the heart. I always thought that active parents’ children would strive to be the same, but no, it didn’t work out.
My daughter is 16 years old, soon to be 17.
Her peers are at least worried about admission, making plans for the future, some dancing, girls running to the gym, Music, whatever, the same tutors. I didn’t come up with this, I just communicate a lot with other parents, I’m on the parents’ committee, I have friends with children.
Mine lies flat at home, everything always hurts, and she looks at magazines with cars or her father sometimes brings her motorcycles. She suggested seeing a doctor since it supposedly hurts: why, but everything is fine.
Anyone refuses to eat because they think they are terribly fat. I can't influence this. I tried to cook, but it doesn’t eat or throws it away. I don’t know how much she weighs now, but size 36 is good enough for her. She avoids any activities. I don’t want to learn to cook, I don’t want a bicycle, roller skates, and so on. More active leisure too.
She offered to go to the gym with me: no, I look stupid enough, leave me alone, I want to sleep. On weekends he is almost always sick and sleeps until lunch.
Social circle: for many years now, like clockwork, we have been meeting with some lanky guy for an hour once a month. They were sitting on a bench in our yard, I saw that he was smoking, but said nothing. A couple of times I saw him hugging her, she then goes upstairs to the apartment. Again, I don’t ask anything. I only know that he is the same age as her (according to her words). I was not told anything else. Her teeth were crooked, she took off her braces six months ago: how much nerve and effort it took me to put them on her... Her skin is a little problematic, as a matter of principle she doesn’t go to specialists, she told me with tears: so it didn’t work out, what else do you want. But no nothing serious, yes, a process for 2-3 months for sure, to understand the reason, get tested by a gynecologist, get an ultrasound... We agreed on the winter holidays. As a result, nothing was done, all the holidays at home with pneumonia, and the immune system itself is very weak. A cold, a sore throat is very often sore, if you stay at home, you are terribly happy. Yes, any treatment is difficult, but then there will be an excellent effect, the cosmetologist said that there was nothing terrible, that the rash was not terrible, the doctor knew better, she added that she was a beautiful girl.
She doesn’t want to understand this. She cried in his office, stood up abruptly and left. I called my dad and asked him to pick her up. I arrived home well after midnight and didn’t call during the day.
She’s already checked for drugs, and out of harm’s way, she doesn’t use. She didn’t resist, to be honest. I offered to work in the summer so that we would understand the value of the money, we are well off, but many of my friends did this - I don’t want to, I want to sleep and watch movies in the summer. I didn’t go to the seaside, the summer was wasted. I was sick in the summer.
I don’t even know what to do with a person and how to talk when she doesn’t care what she does and is always in a state of despondency. The subjects that she will take for the Unified State Exam were chosen out of the blue, she always repeats: “but for me [censored], it will be even worse at the university, let me sit quietly at home.” She studies with a C in chemistry and physics, one is a 4, the other is a 5. She studies at the lyceum, she didn’t want to go there, she said that she was already stupid, why should she embarrass herself there.
The teachers don't complain much about her, they say that she is very scared when asked. And so quiet, uninitiative. The previous one is the same. How should I react?
Parents say: “Sit down in front of the TV or lie down on the sofa - and for the whole evening! With a look as if she was carrying bags, she was tired of life already at her age! And it’s impossible to push her away! She stares at one point and doesn’t need anything! She doesn’t want to do anything herself, and when you suggest something, she frowns. Well, you can’t be so indifferent to everything! Other children are passionate about something and achieve success. How to stir her up? »
Teenagers’ “I don’t want” is of a different nature.
If you are one of those desperate parents who are tired of looking at the insensitive, always dissatisfied and sad expression on the face of a growing girl who declares that she is not interested in anything and does not care about anything, this article is for you.
Just right away, I want to clarify, dear parents, a few points. He lies down on the sofa, looks at the ceiling and doesn’t even get up to eat, doesn’t argue, doesn’t snap, but simply says that he doesn’t want anything? This is most likely a difficult problem you have with your daughter. Especially if such behavior is not at all typical for your girl. Or you are simply outraged by your daughter’s endless time spent on the computer, chatting with friends on the phone for many hours, watching TV series and continuously listening to “stupid” music on headphones. But you can’t force anyone to do anything useful: neither play sports, nor play music, nor even wash the dishes!
Teenagers’ “I don’t want” is of a different nature. There are complex “I don’t want” issues that require advice and intervention from specialists. There are easy “I don’t want” (or “I want the wrong thing”), and there is simply “I can’t.”
Let us first dwell on the first, more complex version of the development of events.
Different temperaments of parents and children can lead to a conflict of personality typologies
First ask yourself a very important question: did this start recently or has it always been like this? If your daughter, from early childhood, as long as you remember her, is not very active, slow, and does not express emotions very violently, then perhaps these are simply the characteristics of her temperament. And you are outraged that she is not like you.
This often happens: the mother is choleric, and the daughter, for example, is phlegmatic. And the mother, with her fast pace of mental reactions, openness, emotionality, and impulsiveness, constantly lacks some actions or feelings from her calm, thoughtful, outwardly unemotional and very “slowed down” Daughter. This is a conflict of personality typologies. Temperament is inherited, and there is nothing you can do about it. All you have to do is accept the characteristics of your girl. It looks like she took after her dad or great-grandmother. Any attempts you make to “remake” her are doomed to failure and only lead to a deterioration in the relationship. Believe me, it’s no easier for her to be with you than it is for you to be with her.
Changes in a child's behavior may be a sign of illness
If a girl has been cheerful and lively since early childhood, and apathy is not her characteristic feature, you have something to think about!
Perhaps, not for the first time, but for several months or years, you began to notice a peculiar feature in the girl’s behavior - a tendency towards prolonged apathy, powerlessness, and the absence of any desires or aspirations. Such periods could be long or short-lived and alternate from time to time with opposite states: emotional uplift, vigor and hyperactivity. And if these cycle changes occur more and more vividly, and the phases of powerlessness become more and more protracted and severe, you can, just in case, show the girl to a specialist - a pathopsychologist or psychiatrist. Suddenly she needs a little help with medications - and everything will fall into place.
