Life does not stand still... Some come into this world, while others leave it. Faced with the fact that someone close to them has died, people consider it necessary to support the grieving person and express their condolences and sympathy. Condolences- this is not some special ritual, but a responsive, sympathetic attitude towards the experiences and misfortune of another, expressed in words - orally or in writing - and actions. What words to choose, how to behave so as not to offend, injure, or cause even more suffering?
The word condolences speaks for itself. This, to put it simply, is not so much a ritual as “ with seating disease" Don't let this surprise you. After all, grief is actually a disease. This is a very difficult, painful human condition, and it is well known that “shared grief is half grief.” Condolence usually goes along with sympathy ( Sympathy - feeling together, general feeling) From this it is clear that condolences are sharing grief with a person, an attempt to take on part of his pain. And in a broader sense, condolences are not only words, presence next to the grieving, but also deeds that are aimed at consoling the grieving person.
Condolences are not only oral, addressed directly to the grieving person, but also written, when a person who cannot express it directly for some reason expresses his sympathy in writing.
Also, offering condolences is in various cases part of business ethics. Such condolences are expressed by organizations, institutions, and firms. Condolences are also used in diplomatic protocol when they are expressed at the official level in interstate relations.
Verbal condolences to the bereaved
The most common way to express condolences is verbally. Verbal condolences are expressed by relatives, acquaintances, friends, neighbors, co-workers to those who were closer to the deceased through family, friendly and other connections. Verbal condolences are expressed at a personal meeting (most often at a funeral or wake).
The first and most important condition for expressing verbal condolences is that it should not be formal, empty, without the work of the soul and sincere sympathy behind it. Otherwise, condolences turn into an empty and formal ritual, which not only does not help the grieving person, but in many cases also causes him additional pain. Unfortunately, this is not a rare case these days. It must be said that people in grief subtly sense lies that at other times they would not even notice. Therefore, it is very important to express your sympathy as sincerely as possible, and not try to say empty and false words that have no warmth.
How to express verbal condolences:
To express your condolences please consider the following:
- There is no need to be ashamed of your feelings. Do not try to artificially restrain yourself in showing kind feelings towards the grieving person and in expressing warm words towards the deceased.
- Remember that condolences can often be expressed in more than just words. If you cannot find the right words, you can express your condolences with whatever your heart tells you. In some cases, touching the grieving person is quite enough. You can (if in this case it is appropriate and ethical) shake or stroke his hand, hug, or even just cry next to the grieving person. This will also be an expression of sympathy and your grief. The same can be done by condolences who do not have close relationships with the family of the deceased or knew him little during his lifetime. For them, it is enough to shake hands with relatives at the cemetery as a sign of condolences.
- When expressing condolences, it is very important not only to choose sincere, comforting words, but also to reinforce these words with an offer of all possible help. This is a very important Russian tradition. Sympathetic people at all times understood that their words without deeds could turn out to be dead and formal. What are these things? This is a prayer for the deceased and the grieving (you can not only pray yourself, but also submit notes to the church), this is an offer of help with the housework and organizing a funeral, this is all possible financial assistance (this does not mean at all that you are “paying off”), as well as many different types of assistance. Actions will not only reinforce your words, but will also make life easier for the grieving person, and will also allow you to do a good deed.
Therefore, when you say words of condolences, do not hesitate to ask how you can help the grieving person, what you can do for him. This will give your condolences weight and sincerity.
How to find the right words to express condolences
Finding the right, sincere, accurate words of condolences that would reflect your sympathy is also not always easy. How to choose them? There are rules for this:
People at all times, before saying words of condolences, prayed. This is very important, because it is so difficult to find the kind words needed in this situation. And prayer calms us, turns our attention to God, whom we ask for the repose of the deceased, for the granting of consolation to his relatives. In prayer, in any case, we find certain sincere words, some of which we can then say in condolences. We highly recommend that you pray before going to express your condolences. You can pray anywhere, it will not take much time and effort, it will not cause harm, but will bring a huge amount of benefit.
In addition, we often have grievances, both against the person to whom we will offer condolences, and against the deceased himself. It is these grievances and understatements that often prevent us from saying words of consolation.
So that this does not interfere with us, it is necessary to forgive in prayer those with whom you are offended, and then the necessary words will come on their own.
- Before you say words of consolation to a person, it is better to think about your attitude towards the deceased.
In order for the necessary words of condolences to come, it would be good to remember the life of the deceased, the good that the deceased did for you, remember what he taught you, the joys that he brought you during his life. You can remember the history and the most important moments of his life. After this, it will be much easier to find the necessary, sincere words for condolences.
- Before expressing sympathy, it is very important to think about how the person (or people) to whom you are going to express condolences are feeling now.
Think about their experiences, the extent of their loss, their internal state at the moment, the history of their relationship. If you do this, the right words will come on their own. All you have to do is say them.
It is important to note that even if the person to whom condolences are addressed had a conflict with the deceased, if they had a difficult relationship, betrayal, then this should in no way affect your attitude towards the grieving person. You cannot know the degree of remorse (present and future) of that person or persons.
Expressing condolences is not only a sharing of grief, but also an obligatory reconciliation. When a person speaks words of sympathy, it is quite appropriate to sincerely briefly ask for forgiveness for what you consider yourself to be guilty of before the deceased or the person to whom you offer condolences.
Examples of verbal condolences
Here are a few examples of verbal condolences. We would like to emphasize that these are EXAMPLES. You should not use only ready-made stamps, because... the person to whom you offer condolences needs not so much the right words as sympathy, sincerity and honesty.
- He meant a lot to me and to you, I mourn with you.
- Let it be a consolation to us that he gave so much love and warmth. Let's pray for him.
- There are no words to express your sorrow. She meant a lot in your life and mine. Never forget…
- It is very difficult to lose such a dear person. I share your grief. How can I help you? You can always count on me.
- I'm very sorry, please accept my condolences. If I can do something for you, I will be very glad. I would like to offer my help. I would be happy to help you...
- Unfortunately, in this imperfect world we have to experience this. He was a bright man whom we loved. I will not leave you in your grief. You can count on me at any moment.
- This tragedy affected everyone who knew her. Of course, it’s harder for you now than anyone else. I want to assure you that I will never leave you. And I will never forget her. Please let's walk this path together
- Unfortunately, I only now realized how unworthy my bickering and quarrels with this bright and dear person were. Excuse me! I mourn with you.
- This is a huge loss. And a terrible tragedy. I pray and will always pray for you and for him.
- It is difficult to express in words how much good he did to me. All our differences are dust. And what he did for me, I will carry with me throughout my life. I pray for him and grieve with you. I will be happy to help you at any time.
I would like to especially emphasize that when expressing condolences, one should do without pomposity, pretentiousness, or theatricality.
What not to say when expressing condolences
Let's talk about common mistakes made by those who are trying to somehow support the grieving, but in fact risk causing him even more severe suffering.
Everything that will be said below applies only to the expression of CONDOLENCES for PEOPLE EXPERIENCED THE MOST ACUTE, SHOCK stage of grief, which usually begins on the first day and can end on days 9 to 40 of loss (if grief proceeds normally). ALL ADVICE IN THIS ARTICLE IS GIVEN WITH SUCH GRIEVING PARTICIPALLY IN CONSIDERATION.
As we have already said, the most important thing is that condolences are not formal. We must try not to speak (not write) insincere, general words. In addition, it is very important that when expressing condolences, empty, banal, meaningless and tactless phrases are not used. It is important to note that in an attempt to console a person who has lost a loved one in any way, gross mistakes are made, which not only do not console, but can also be a source of misunderstanding, aggression, resentment, and disappointment on the part of the grieving person. This happens because a psychologically grieving person in the shock stage of grief experiences, perceives and feels everything differently. This is why it is better to avoid mistakes when expressing condolences.
Here are examples of frequently used phrases that, according to experts, are not recommended to be said when expressing condolences to a person who is in the acute phase of grief:
You can't "console" the future
"Time will pass, still give birth"(if the child died), "You are beautiful, then will you get married again"(if the husband died), etc. - This is a completely tactless statement for a grieving person. He hasn't mourned yet, hasn't experienced a real loss. Usually at this time he is not interested in prospects, he experiences the pain of real loss. And he still cannot see the future that he is told about. Therefore, such “consolation” from a person who may think that he is thus giving hope to the grieving person is in fact tactless and terribly stupid.
« Do not Cry“Everything will pass” - people who utter such words of “sympathy” give completely wrong instructions to the grieving person. In turn, such attitudes make it impossible for the grieving person to react to his emotions and hide his pain and tears. The grieving person, thanks to these attitudes, may begin (or become convinced) to think that crying is bad. This can have an extremely difficult impact on both the psycho-emotional and somatic state of the mourner and on the entire experience of the crisis. Usually the words “don’t cry, you need to cry less” are said by those people who do not understand the feelings of the mourner. This most often happens because the “sympathizers” themselves are traumatized by the crying of the grieving person, and they, trying to get away from this trauma, give such advice.
Naturally, if a person constantly cries for more than a year, then this is already a reason to contact a specialist, but if the grieving person expresses his grief several months after the loss, then this is absolutely normal.
"Don't worry, Everything will be fine” is another rather empty statement, which the sympathizer imagines as optimistic and even as giving hope to the mourner. It is necessary to understand that a person who is experiencing grief perceives this statement very differently. He does not yet see the good, he does not strive for it. At the moment, he doesn’t really care what happens next. He has not yet come to terms with the loss, has not mourned it, has not begun to build a new life without a loved one. And for this reason, such empty optimism will irritate him rather than help him.
« It's bad, of course, but time heals“- Another banal phrase that neither the grieving person nor the person who pronounces it can understand. God, prayer, good deeds, acts of mercy and alms can heal the soul, but time cannot heal! Over time, a person can adapt and get used to it. In any case, it is pointless to say this to the grieving person when time has stopped for him, the pain is still too acute, he is still experiencing the loss, is not making plans for the future, he does not yet believe that something can be changed over time. It seems to him that it will always be like this now. That is why such a phrase evokes negative feelings towards the speaker.
Let’s give a metaphor: for example, a child was hit hard, is experiencing severe pain, crying, and they say to him, “It’s bad that you hit yourself, but let it console you that it will heal before the wedding.” Do you think this will calm the child down or cause other, bad feelings towards you?
When expressing condolences, it is impossible to utter wishes to the mourner that are oriented towards the future. For example, “I wish you to get back to work quickly,” “I hope that you will soon regain your health,” “I wish you to come to your senses quickly after such a tragedy,” etc. Firstly, these wishes, which are oriented towards the future, are not condolences. Therefore, they should not be given in this capacity. And secondly, these wishes are oriented towards the future, which in a state of acute grief a person still does not yet see. This means that these phrases will disappear into emptiness at best. But it is possible that the griever will perceive this as your call to him to end his grief, which he simply physically cannot do in this phase of grief. This can cause negative reactions on the part of the grieving person.
You cannot find positive elements in a tragedy and devalue the loss.
Rationalizing the positive aspects of death, instilling positive conclusions from the loss, devaluing the loss by finding a certain benefit for the deceased, or something good in the loss, most often does not console the grieving person either. The bitterness of the loss does not become less, the person perceives what happened as a catastrophe
“He feels better this way. He was sick and exhausted"- Such words should be avoided. This can cause rejection and even aggression on the part of the person experiencing grief. Even if the grieving person admits the truth of this statement, the pain of the loss often does not become easier for him. He still experiences the feeling of loss acutely, painfully. In addition, in some cases, this can provoke resentment in the grieving person towards the departed - “You feel good now, you are not suffering, but I feel bad.” Such thoughts in the subsequent experience of grief can be a source of guilt in the grieving person.
Often when expressing condolences the following statements are heard: “It’s good that the mother wasn’t hurt,” “It’s hard, but you still have children.” They also should not be said to the grieving person. The arguments that are given in such statements are also not able to reduce a person’s pain from loss. He, of course, understands that everything could have been worse, that he did not lose everything, but this cannot console him. A mother cannot replace a dead father, and a second child cannot replace the first.
Every person knows that it is impossible to console a fire victim by saying that his house burned down, but his car remained. Or the fact that he was diagnosed with diabetes, but at least not in its worst form.
“Hold on, because others have it worse than you”(it can be even worse, you are not the only one, there is so much evil around - many suffer, your husband is here, and their children died, etc.) - also a fairly common case in which the sympathizer tries to compare the grieving person with the one “ who has it worse." At the same time, he hopes that the person grieving from this comparison will understand that his loss is not the worst, that it can be even worse, and thus his pain from the loss will decrease.
This is an unacceptable practice. It is impossible to compare the experience of grief with the experience of grief of other people. Firstly, for a normal person, if everyone around is feeling bad, then this does not improve, but rather worsens the person’s condition. Secondly, a grieving person cannot compare himself with others. For now, his grief is the most bitter. Therefore, such comparisons are more likely to do harm than good.
You can’t look for the “extreme”
When expressing condolences, one cannot say or mention that the death could have been prevented in any way. For example, “Oh, if we had sent him to the doctor”, “why didn’t we pay attention to the symptoms”, “if you had not left, then perhaps this would not have happened”, “if you had listened then”, “if We wouldn’t let him go,” etc.
Such statements (usually incorrect) cause in a person who is already very worried, an additional feeling of guilt, which will then have a very bad effect on his psychological state. This is a very common mistake that arises from our usual desire to find someone “to blame”, “extreme” in death. In this case, we make ourselves and the person to whom condolences are “guilty.”
Another attempt to find the “extreme”, and not to express sympathy, are statements that are completely inappropriate when expressing condolences: “We hope that the police will find the killer, he will be punished,” “this driver should be killed (brought to justice),” “these terrible doctors should be judged.” These statements (fairly or unfairly) place the blame on someone else and are a condemnation of another. But assigning someone to blame, solidarity in unkind feelings towards him, cannot at all soften the pain of loss. Punishing someone responsible for death cannot bring the victim back to life. Moreover, such statements put the mourner into a state of strong aggression towards the person responsible for the death of a dear person. But grief specialists know that a grieving person can turn aggression towards the perpetrator on himself at any moment, thereby making things even worse for himself. So you shouldn’t utter such phrases, fueling the fire of hatred, condemnation, and aggression. It is better to talk only about sympathy for the grieving person, or about the attitude towards the deceased.
“God gave - God took”- another often used “consolation” that actually does not console at all, but simply shifts the “blame” for the death of a person to God. We must understand that a person in the acute stage of grief is least concerned about the question of who took the person from his life. The suffering in this acute phase will not be made easier because God has taken and not another. But the most dangerous thing is that by suggesting in this way to shift the blame onto God, you can cause aggression in a person and not have good feelings towards God.
And this happens at the moment when the salvation of the grieving person himself, as well as the soul of the deceased, is precisely turning to God in prayer. And obviously, this creates additional complications if you consider God to be “guilty.” Therefore, it is better not to use the stamp “God gave - God took”, “Everything is in the hands of God”. The only exception is such condolences addressed to a deeply religious person who understands what humility is, God’s providence, who lives a spiritual life. For such people, mentioning this can indeed be a comfort.
“This happened for his sins”, “you know, he drank a lot”, “unfortunately, he was a drug addict, and they always end up like that” - sometimes people who express condolences try to find the “extreme” and “guilty” even in certain actions, behavior, lifestyle of the deceased himself. Unfortunately, in such cases, the desire to find the culprit begins to prevail over reason and elementary ethics. Needless to say, reminding the grieving person of the shortcomings of the person who died not only does not console, but on the contrary makes the loss even more tragic, develops a sense of guilt in the grieving person, and causes additional pain. In addition, a person who expresses “condolence” in this way, completely undeservedly, puts himself in the role of a judge who not only knows the cause, but also has the right to condemn the deceased, connecting certain causes with the effect. This characterizes the sympathizer as ill-mannered, who thinks a lot about himself, and stupid. And it would be good for him to know that, despite what a person has done in his life, only God has the right to judge him.
I would like to emphasize that “consolation” with condemnation and assessment is categorically unacceptable when expressing condolences. In order to prevent such tactless “condolences”, it is necessary to remember the well-known rule “It’s either good or nothing about the deceased.”
Other common mistakes when expressing condolences
They often say the phrase when expressing condolences “I know how difficult it is for you, I understand you” This is the most common mistake. When you say that you understand the feelings of another, it is not true. Even if you had similar situations and you think that you experienced the same feelings, then you are mistaken. Each feeling is individual, each person experiences and feels in his own way. No one can understand another's physical pain except the one experiencing it. And everyone’s soul hurts especially. Do not say such phrases about knowing and understanding the pain of the mourner, even if you have experienced similar things. You shouldn't compare feelings. You can't feel the same way he does. Be tactful. Respect the other person's feelings. It’s better to limit yourself to the words “I can only guess how bad you feel”, “I see how you grieve”
It is strictly not recommended to tactlessly inquire about details when expressing sympathy. “How did this happen?” “Where did this happen?”, “What did he say before his death?” This is no longer an expression of condolences, but curiosity, which is not at all appropriate. Such questions can be asked if you know that the grieving person wants to talk about it, if it does not cause him trauma (but this, of course, does not mean that it is impossible to talk about the loss at all).
It happens that when offering condolences, people begin to talk about the severity of their condition, in the hope that these words will help the mourner to more easily cope with grief - “You know that I feel bad too,” “When my mother died, I also almost went crazy.” ", "Me too, just like you. I feel very bad, my father also died,” etc. Sometimes this can really help, especially if the grieving person is very close to you, if your words are sincere, and your desire to help him is great. But in most cases, talking about your grief in order to show your sadness is not worth it. In this way, a multiplication of grief and pain can occur, a mutual induction that not only does not improve, but can even worsen the condition. As we have already said, it is little consolation for a person that others are also feeling bad.
Often condolences are expressed in phrases that are more like appeals - “ You must live for the sake of”, “You must endure”, “You must not”, “you need, you must do”. Such appeals, of course, are not condolences and sympathy. This is a legacy of the Soviet era, when conscription was practically the only understandable form of addressing a person. Such appeals to duty for a person who is in acute grief are most often ineffective and usually cause misunderstanding and irritation in him. A person who feels in grief simply cannot understand why he owes something. He is in the depths of experiences, and he is also obliged to do something. This is perceived as violence, and convinces that he is not understood.
Of course, it is possible that the meaning of these calls is correct. But in this case, you should not say these words in the form of condolences, but it is better to discuss it later in a calm atmosphere, convey this idea when a person can understand the meaning of what was said.
Sometimes people try to express sympathy in poetry. This makes condolences pompous, insincerity and pretense and at the same time does not contribute to achieving the main goal - expressing sympathy and sharing grief. On the contrary, it gives the expression of condolences a touch of theatricality and play.
So if your sincere feelings of compassion and love are not expressed in a beautiful, perfect poetic form, then leave this genre for a better time.
Renowned grief psychologist A.D. Wolfelt also provides the following recommendations on what NOT to do when communicating with a person who is experiencing acute grief
The refusal of a grieving person to talk or offer help should not be regarded as a personal attack against you or against your relationship with him. We must understand that the person grieving at this stage cannot always correctly assess the situation, may be inattentive, passive, and be in a state of feelings that are very difficult for another person to assess. Therefore, do not draw conclusions from such a person’s refusals. Be merciful to him. Wait for him to get back to normal.
You cannot distance yourself from a person, deprive him of your support, or ignore him. A grieving person may perceive this as your reluctance to communicate, as a rejection of him or a negative change in attitude towards him. Therefore, if you are scared, if you are afraid to impose yourself, if you are modest, then take into account these characteristics of the grieving person. Don't ignore him, but go up and explain to him.
Don't be afraid of intense emotions and leave the situation. Sympathetic people are often frightened by the strong emotions of those grieving, as well as the atmosphere that develops around them. But, despite this, you cannot show that you are scared and distance yourself from these people. This may also be misunderstood by them.
You should not try to talk to those who are grieving without affecting their feelings. A person who experiences acute grief is in the grip of strong feelings. Attempts to speak very correct words, to appeal to logic, in most cases will not have results. This happens because at the moment the grieving person cannot reason logically, ignoring his feelings. If you talk to a person without affecting his feelings, it will be like talking in different languages.
You cannot use force (squeezing, grabbing hands). Sometimes sympathizers involved in grief may lose control of themselves. I would like to say that, despite strong feelings and emotions, it is necessary to maintain control over oneself in behavior with the grieving person. Strong displays of emotions, clenching in arms.
Condolences: etiquette and rules
Ethical rules state that “often the death of a loved one is notified not only to relatives and close friends who usually participate in funerals and memorials, but also to comrades and simply distant acquaintances. The question of how to express condolences - to participate in the funeral or to visit the relatives of the deceased - depends on your ability to participate in mourning ceremonies, as well as on the degree of your closeness to the deceased and his family.
If a mourning message is sent in writing, then the person receiving it should, if possible, personally take part in the funeral, visit the grieving family to express condolences in person, be with the grieving, offer help, and console.
But people who were not at the funeral ceremonies should also express their condolences. Based on tradition, a condolence visit should be made within two weeks, but not in the very first days after the funeral. When going to a funeral or condolence visit, you should wear a dark dress or suit. Sometimes a dark coat is simply worn over a light dress, but this is not supposed to be done. During a condolence visit, it is not customary to discuss any other issues not related to death, to speak tactlessly on abstract topics, remembering funny stories, or to discuss work problems. If you happen to visit this house again, but for a different reason, do not turn your visit into a repeated expression of condolences. On the contrary, if appropriate, next time try to entertain your relatives with your conversation, take them away from sad thoughts about the grief they suffered, and you will make it easier for them to return to the mainstream of everyday life. If a person cannot make a personal visit for some reason, then you need to send a written condolence, telegram, email or SMS message.”
Written expression of condolences
How condolences were expressed in letters. A brief excursion into history
What is the history of expressing condolences? How did our ancestors do it? Let's look at this issue in more detail. Here is what Dmitry Evsikov, an applicant on the topic “Worldview Aspects of Life” writes:
“In the epistolary culture of Russia in the 17th-19th centuries, there were letters of consolation, or letters of consolation. In the archives of Russian tsars and nobility you can find examples of consoling letters written to the relatives of the deceased. Writing letters of condolences (consolation) was an integral part of generally accepted etiquette, along with letters of information, love, instruction, and command. Letters of condolence were one of the sources of many historical facts, including chronological information about the causes and circumstances of people's deaths. In the 17th century, correspondence was the prerogative of kings and royal officials. Letters of condolences and letters of consolation belonged to official documents, although there are personal messages in response to events related to the death of loved ones. This is what the historian writes about Tsar Alexei Mikhailovich Romanov (second half of the 17th century).
“The ability to enter into the position of others, to understand and take their grief and joy to heart was one of the best traits in the king’s character. It is necessary to read his consoling letters to Prince. Nick. Odoevsky on the occasion of the death of his son and to Ordin-Nashchokin on the occasion of his son’s escape abroad - one must read these sincere letters to see to what heights of delicacy and moral sensitivity this ability to be imbued with the grief of others could raise even an unstable person. In 1652, the son of Prince. Nick. Odoevsky, who was then serving as a governor in Kazan, died of a fever almost in front of the Tsar’s eyes. The tsar wrote to the old father to console him, and, among other things, wrote: “And you, our boyar, should not grieve too much, but you can’t, so as not to grieve and cry, and you need to cry, only in moderation, so that God don't make me angry." The author of the letter did not limit himself to a detailed story about the unexpected death and an abundant stream of consolations to his father; Having finished the letter, he could not resist adding: “Prince Nikita Ivanovich! Don’t worry, but trust in God and be reliable in us.”(Klyuchevsky V. O. Course of Russian history. Tsar Alexei Mikhailovich Romanov (from lecture 58)).
In the 18th-19th centuries, epistolary culture was an integral part of everyday noble life. In the absence of alternative types of communication, writing was a means not only of transmitting information, but also of expressing feelings, emotions, and assessments, as in direct face-to-face communication. Letters of that time were very similar to a confidential conversation, based on speech patterns and emotional colors inherent in oral conversation, they reflected the individuality and emotional state of the writer. Correspondence allows one to judge the ideas and values, psychology and attitude, behavior and lifestyle, the circle of friends and interests of the writer, and the main stages of his life.
Among the letters related to the fact of death, 3 main groups can be distinguished.
The first group is letters announcing the death of a loved one. They were sent to relatives and friends of the deceased. Unlike later letters, the messages of that time were more an emotional assessment of the event of death than a carrier of factual information, an invitation to a funeral.
The second group is actually letters of consolation. They were often a response to a notification letter. But even if the mourner did not send a letter notifying him of the death of his relative, a consoling letter was an indispensable symbol of mourning and the generally accepted ceremony of remembering the deceased.
The third group is written responses to letters of consolation, which were also an integral part of written communication and mourning etiquette.
In the 18th century, historians note a significant weakening of interest in the topic of death in Russian society. The phenomenon of death, associated primarily with religious ideas, has faded into the background in secular society. The topic of death has to some extent become taboo. Along with this, the culture of condolences and sympathy was also lost; There is a void in this area. Of course, this also affected the epistolary culture of society. Letters of comfort have become part of formal etiquette, but have not completely disappeared from communicative culture. In the 18th-19th centuries, so-called “Pismovniki” began to be published to help those writing on difficult topics. These were guides for writing official and private letters, giving advice on how to write and format a letter in accordance with generally accepted canons and rules, and provided samples of letters, phrases and expressions for various life situations, including cases of death, expressions of condolences. “Consolation letters” is one of the sections of letter writers that gave advice on how to support the grieving person and express their feelings in a socially acceptable form. Consolation letters were distinguished by a special style, full of sentimentality and sensual expressions, designed to alleviate the suffering of the mourner and console his pain from loss. According to etiquette, receiving a letter of consolation required the recipient to write a response.
Here is an example of recommendations for writing letters of consolation in one of the 18th century letter books, “The General Secretary, or a new complete letter book.” (Printing house of A. Reshetnikov, 1793)
Letters of comfort “In this kind of letter, the heart must be touched and say one thing, without the help of the mind. ... You can disqualify yourself from any decent greeting, except for this, and there is no more praiseworthy habit than to console each other in sorrows. Fate inflicts so much misfortune on us that we would act inhumanely if we did not give each other such relief. When the person to whom we are writing indulges in her sadness excessively, then instead of suddenly holding back her first tears, we should mix our own; let's talk about the dignity of a friend or relative of the deceased. In this kind of letters one can use the features of moral teaching and pious feelings, depending on the age, morals and condition of the writer to whom they are writing. But when we write to such persons, who should rejoice rather than grieve over someone’s death, it is better to abandon such vivid ideas. I confess that it is not allowed to adapt to the secret feelings of their hearts in a frank manner: decency forbids this; Prudence requires in such cases to extend and leave great condolences. In other cases, one can speak more expansively about disasters that are inseparable from the human condition. In general, to say: what misfortunes does each of us not endure in this life? Lack of property forces you to work from morning to evening; wealth plunges into extreme torment and anxiety all those who want to collect and preserve it. And there is nothing more common than to see tears flowing over the death of a relative or friend.”
And this is what the samples of consoling letters looked like, given as examples for writing.
“My Empress! Not in order to appease you from your lamentation, I have the honor of writing this letter to you, for your sadness is very correct, but in order to offer you my services, and everything that depends on me, or better yet, to mourn with you in common the death of your dear husband. He was my friend and proved his friendship with countless good deeds. Judge, madam, whether I have any reason to regret him and to add my tears to your tears of our common sadness. Nothing can console my sorrow except perfect submission to God's will. His Christian death also approves of me, assuring me of the bliss of his soul, and your piety gives me hope that you too will be of my opinion. And although your separation from him is cruel, you should still be consoled by his heavenly well-being and prefer it to your short-lived pleasure here. Honor him by keeping him everlasting in your memory, imagining his virtues and the love he had for you in his life. Have fun raising your children, in whom you see him come alive. If sometimes it happens to shed a tear for him, then believe that I cry for him with you, and all honest people share their pity with you, among whom he acquired love and respect for himself, so that he will never be in their memory will not die, but especially in mine; because I am with special zeal and respect, my lady! Your…"
The tradition of condolences has not died in our time, when the culture of attitude towards death is in all respects similar to past centuries. Today we can still observe the absence in society of a culture of dealing with death, of an open discussion of the phenomenon of death and a culture of burial. The awkwardness experienced in relation to the very fact of death, expressions of sympathy, and condolences transfer the topic of death to the category of undesirable, inconvenient aspects of everyday life. Expressing condolences is more an element of etiquette than a sincere need for empathy. Probably for this reason, “writers” still exist, giving recommendations on how, what, in what cases, in what words to speak and write about death and sympathy. By the way, the name of such publications has not changed. They are still called "scribes."
Examples of letters of condolence for the death of various persons
About the death of a spouse
Expensive …
We deeply mourn the death... . She was a wonderful woman and surprised many with her generosity and kind disposition. We miss her very much and can only imagine what a blow her passing was for you. We remember how she once... She involved us in doing good, and thanks to her we became better people. ... was a model of mercy and tact. We are happy that we knew her.
About the death of a parent
Expensive …
… Even though I never met your father, I know how much he meant to you. Thanks to your stories about his thriftiness, love of life and how tenderly he cared for you, it seems to me that I knew him too. I think a lot of people will miss him. When my father died, I found comfort in talking about him with other people. I would be very glad if you shared your memories of your dad. Thinking about you and your family.
About the death of a child
... We deeply regret the death of your dear daughter. We wish we could find words to somehow ease your pain, but it’s hard to imagine if such words exist at all. The loss of a child is the most terrible grief. Please accept my sincere condolences. We are praying for you.
About the death of a colleague
Example 1. I was deeply saddened by the news of (name)'s death and would like to express my sincere sympathy to you and the other employees of your firm. My colleagues share my deep sadness at his/her passing.
Example 2. It is with deep regret that I learned about the death of the president of your institution, Mr. ..., who faithfully served the interests of your organization for many years. Our director asked me to convey to you my condolences for the loss of such a talented organizer.
Example 3. I would like to express to you our deep feelings regarding the death of Mrs.…. Her dedication to her work earned her the respect and love of all who knew her. Please accept our sincere condolences.
Example 4. We were deeply saddened to learn yesterday of the death of Mr...
Example 5. The news of the sudden death of Mr.... was a huge shock for us.
Example 6. We find it difficult to believe the sad news of the death of Mr...
Funeral poems and words for a woman, mother, sister, grandmother, mournful words in verse from family and friends That day when the light of Your eyes faded and your heart stopped beating became the most terrible day for us and we could not come to terms with it. A tear rolls from the heart, pain burns, the soul cries. We so want to bring you back, but this cannot be done. You left us very early, but we could not save you. A deep wound in the heart. You left us and left us with pain and sadness. Eternal peace to your soul, our dear. Kingdom of Heaven, may you rest in peace on earth, remember with us all who remember it. Without saying goodbye to anyone, without saying goodbye to everyone, you disappeared into the darkness, only leaving sadness. The pain burns, the soul hurts, a tear rolls from grief. You left us very early, we could not save You, a deep wound in our hearts, while we are alive, You are alive too. Eternal peace for your soul and the Kingdom of Heaven. Swan down to you, earth. Words cannot express our pain and grief, a deep wound in our hearts. We will never forget that terrible day that brought us so much grief and sadness. Tears tear our souls apart, and every day we remember You. May it be easy for You there, and may the memory of You remain here with us. In sorrow we bow our heads at Your grave. Sleep well, our dear mother. The earth is swan down for you, and the Kingdom of Heaven is for your soul. You have gone into bright eternity. And our pain cannot be helped, and the name of pain is infinity... You left us for another WORLD - where there is no return, leaving behind the memory of yourself, love, sadness and the pain of loss. The Lord called You to Himself and left us sorrow and tears. You reign in Heaven, and we carry roses to the grave. May God protect your kind soul. May you rest in peace, and your soul - eternal peace and the Kingdom of Heaven. Words cannot express our pain and grief, a deep wound in our hearts. We will never forget that terrible day that brought us so much grief and sadness. Tears tear our souls apart, and every day we remember You. May it be easy for You there, and may the memory of You remain here with us. In sorrow we bow our heads at Your grave. Sleep well, our dear wife and mother. The earth is swan down for you, and the Kingdom of Heaven is for your soul. That day when the light of Your eyes faded and your heart stopped beating became the most terrible day for us and we could not come to terms with it. A tear rolls from the heart, pain burns, the soul cries. We so want to bring you back, but this cannot be done. You left us very early, but we could not save you. A deep wound in the heart. You left us and left us with pain and sadness. Eternal peace to your soul, our dear. Kingdom of Heaven, may you rest in peace on earth, remember with us all who remember it. With illness and pain, people fade And dry up like beloved flowers... Like snow in the hot sun they melt, Today I am, and tomorrow maybe you... How sad and sad we are to lose loved ones, Kindred in spirit, close, dear, Familiar, undervalued, vulnerable , With whom we shared life for two... In the spring, loved ones leave in the blooming flowers... And in the warm summer - like healthy grain... They are found in the fall with ripe fruits... Winter sinks them to the bottom of their lives... We know that parting will not last long, But for some reason, sorrow ours cannot be appeased... It will be a duty to pray for our loved ones, And only God's grace consoles us... What a pity that we did not appreciate the departed, What a pity that we did not lay flowers for them, We did not sing holy, heavenly songs to them, We did not make their beautiful dreams come true... Oh, how there are not enough of those who have left now! Oh, how deep is the pain of their loss! Our heart languishes from sorrow, And tears flow like a river... You can console your soul with tears, But you still can’t bring back those who have left! To grieve immeasurably means to amuse the demon, And not to grieve means not to value the loss at a penny! And he remains, squeezing his pain with his teeth, At night, squeezing out a cry of grief, Seeming to be quiet and calm days, Putting on a wig of decency on the bareness of grief... And moving away from grief little by little, Humbling before the fate of the Creator... Surrendering everything with oneself to God, Asking for a blessed end ...
Time is no longer a doctor.
Your abrasions and wounds.
On the scars of failure.
Will not apply balm.
It was just you, and no.
In this chaos of days.
Smoke from cigarettes.
Silhouette of shadows.
Passenger on the subway.
A mute musician.
Pierrot was in love.
Drunk and young.
A drop of poison from a needle.
And church candles.
Part of someone's game.
The result is a draw.
White snow in the fields.
Sad in the sky with the Moon.
News from distant lands.
Or just yourself.....
Yura Galochkin
But just a grave cross
Yes, lumps of raw clay...
The path is uneven and short,
Where it's half confused.
Framed by a mournful face,
First name, middle name and dates.
Don't cry
Don't get drunk
As we once could.
But they were just nearby,
You gave everything you have in yourself...
We haven't forgotten anything,
No one was betrayed.
But all I did was live like people,
With original rightness.
And I breathed with a cold chest
And he laughed carelessly.
But all he did was be my friend.
Is it a lot or a little?
And the fate of the sovereign...
Dear friend, you have been sick for a long time,
But I couldn’t save you!
Death turned out to be stronger than me.
Forgive me, I beg you!
You always protected me!
I will never forget
How you growled at the evil dogs,
Attacking us from the bushes.
Even though you were small in stature,
You could protect me
From cruel hungry wolves,
From criminals and thieves!
The children grew up with you.
We all lived as one family!
You have always been obedient
Even though I scolded you sometimes!
And now my soul hurts,
Like conscience...
For the departed, tablecloth for the journey.
For a visitor, a hospitable home.
For the lost, a guide to help.
The finder gets to save everything.
To the ignorant - to know all the secrets of knowledge
To the one who has learned, to teach others a lesson.
To those who have achieved medals and recognition,
And don't get caught up in the vanity flow.
He who sings cannot sing the last song.
The silent one still has time to say.
To the living - yes, to avoid illness,
And for a sleeper, it doesn’t take long to wrinkle the bed.
For the past, take your sorrows with you.
Become a truly fine day.
To the coming one, so that there are no pits...
Departed loved ones... tears are choking
Because this is all irreversible,
No...they haven't invented anesthesia yet -
To relieve the pain of losing loved ones...
And you can only quietly pray
For everyone who is not with us at this hour,
And wash your darling with water,
The water that people call tears.
It will suddenly feel a little better, maybe
And memory will gently knock on your heart,
And the one who was most dear to you,
Will briefly burst into life with poetry...
And the sun will become brighter for a minute,
And the pain will leave its former abode,
AND...
Friend, he is the first and the faithful
But there is no such thing as nervous and nasty.
Friend, he can be old and sensitive
But there is no such thing as mean and creepy.
We identify friends by school
In studies, where knowledge is given.
According to soldier's, prison bondage
Everyone gives out rank in their own way.
But we go through life alone
Only by chance does fate bring you together.
Grief, holidays, choosing a road
We remember those who have passed away, in memory of deeds.
Another life -
Only a month, two, six months.
Let another life fill your soul.
Everything is fine,
But why nature
Does rain predict sadness in my life?
The last kiss as summer ends
It's cooled down. Now cold as ice.
He was erased from his lips - a sad sign
And the heart doesn’t expect any more warmth.
Another life -
Other thoughts, destinies, people.
I really need this for
To understand that life will be different,
Nothing from the past is needed.
A friend ceases to be a friend.
Everything is still moving in circles,
And congratulations on the New Year
We are still in a hurry to send to each other.
We are still looking for mutual meetings.
But suddenly the conversation becomes lengthy.
And speech, you see, is no longer speech -
Diplomatic notes.
When someone else takes a risk with me
Blaspheme him with an open soul,
Having crushed the patina of alienation,
I still rush to the defense.
But in silence, alone
With myself and my conscience,
Direct question: “Is he my friend?” -
I don’t dare ask myself any more.
Those who love you...
They don’t part with their loved ones,
They just stop being around.
You sleep, and we live,
You wait and we will come...
You left us early, our beloved.
He took away our happiness and joy.
The Great Tribulation cannot be measured,
Tears won't help my grief.
You are not with us, but forever
You gave us life in this world,
In another you have found peace.
Gone, leaving a trace of sadness,
gusts of grief and melancholy.
Remember me, Lord,
Visit me with your salvation.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Remember me, God
And do not leave those who love you.
Like drops of dew on roses,
There are tears on my cheeks.
You are no longer here, but we don’t believe you.
You are in our hearts forever.
And my pain from that loss
We will never heal.
Love for you, dear son,
He will die only with us.
And our pain and our sorrow
Can't express it in words.
Our pain cannot be measured
And you can’t shed it in tears.
We treat you as if alive
We will love forever.
We love you, we are proud of you.
In our memory
You are always alive.
The Great Tribulation cannot be measured,
Tears won't help my grief.
You are not with us, but forever
You will not die in our hearts.
What a pity that your life
Was so short
But your memory will be eternal.
Sleep, my beloved daughter, peacefully.
You've gone your short way
Honest and joyful.
To your untimely grave
Our path will not be overgrown.
Your dear image, dear image
Will always lead us here
Nobody could save you
Died very early
But the bright image is your dear
We will always remember.
Words can't express it
Tears cannot cry out our grief.
You are always in our hearts. It’s so easy to imagine you alive
What's in your death
It's impossible to believe.
Quiet leaves, don't make noise,
Don't wake up my friend
The question of life is over.
There will be no more sorrow, no more tears.
Dear angel
Sorry, my fault
What was not at the hour of death
Next to you.
My heart went out like lightning,
Years will not dull the pain.
Your image will be treasured forever
Always in our memory. You lived your life with dignity,
Leaving a memory for us forever.
In a silent world, sleep peacefully,
The person we love.
You won't come back, you won't look back,
You will not become wise and gray-haired.
You will remain in our memory
Always alive and young.
Passing, stop
Pray for me, a sinner.
I was like you
You will be like me.
The ashes will return to the ground
Which is what he was.
And the spirit will return to God,
who gave it.
K.N. Batyushkov:
Epitaph
No inscriptions are needed for my stone,
Just say it here: he was and he is not!
A.S. Pushkin:
My epitaph
Pushkin is buried here; he is with a young muse,
With love and laziness spent a cheerful century,
He did not do good, but he was a soul,
By God, good man.
Epitaph for a baby. Book N.S. Volkonsky
In radiance and in joyful peace,
At the throne of the eternal creator,
With a smile he looks into earthly exile,
He blesses his mother and prays for his father.
M.Yu. Lermontov
Epitaph
Simple-hearted son of freedom,
He did not spare his life for his feelings;
And true features of nature
He often liked to copy.
He believed dark predictions
And talismans, and love,
And unnatural desires
He sacrificed his days.
And in it the soul kept a reserve
Bliss, torment and passion.
He died. Here is his grave.
It was not created for people.
Epitaph of Napoleon
Yes, no one blames your shadow,
Man of rock! You are with people who have doom over you;
He who knew how to lead you, only he could overthrow you:
Nothing changes great things.
V.S. Soloviev
Vladimir Soloviev
Lies in this place.
First there was a philosopher
And now he has become a skeleton.
Having been kind to others,
He was also an enemy to many;
But, loving madly,
He plunged into the ravine himself.
He lost his soul
Not to mention the body:
The devil took her
The dogs ate him.
Passerby! Learn from this example,
How destructive is love and how useful is faith.
I.A. Bunin
Inscription on the gravestone
There are no, Lord, sins and atrocities
Above Thy mercy!
Slave of the earth and vain desires
Forgive his sins for his sorrows.
I kept the covenant of love sacredly in my life:
In days of melancholy, in defiance of reason,
I did not harbor any enmity against my brother,
I have forgiven everything according to Your word.
I, who have known deathly silence
I, who have accepted the sorrows of darkness,
From the depths of the earth I preach the gospel to the earth
Verbs of Unsunset Beauty!
M.I. Tsvetaeva
Epitaph
To the one who lies here under the spring grass,
Forgive, Lord, evil thoughts and sin!
He was sick, exhausted, not from here,
He loved angels and children's laughter.
Didn’t crush the snow-white lilac stars,
Even though he wanted to overcome the Lord...
In all his sins he was a gentle child,
And therefore - God forgive him
For us he is alive and somewhere nearby,
In memories, in heart and in dreams
The soul is always alive, it knows everything
And he sees how we are suffering now!
There is more than one angel in the sky,
And this is obvious, I know for sure!
Today, tomorrow and throughout life
We remember, love and mourn!
I asked God to return everything,
It was as if he didn't want to hear me,
I've walked a short life's path,
We won't be able to see you again...
When we met secretly,
When we played checkers
Everything was cool then
You were with us Arkashka!
Now you're not there,
Imbued with sadness
I remember all the time
And I really miss you...
Perhaps you came
Well, for God's sake I ask you:
"You come to me more often,
I'm always looking forward to seeing you!"
I feel bad without him... Unbearable
I just exist, I don't live
Oh, Lord, give me some strength!
I don't ask for more anymore
Separation is cutting more and more, suffocating
No air. Only bitter blue smoke
All sounds strain the ear and soul,
And the world somehow became empty and gray
Closing my eyes, I imagine that he is nearby,
Will make your heart tremble in your chest,
His face with an empty and sad look
And quietly I whisper: "Don't go..."
The soul shrinks into a ball,
He was given a short sentence...
And he couldn't do much
Although I wanted to live and could continue to live,
But alas...
The time is over and life is too short...
And it’s not easy to part, but you can’t get anything back,
And a sharp knife for the heart...
And it’s better not to touch anything,
Wanted to help? well...
There's nothing you can do to help
And the strip of the knife will not grow together
You're dying slowly
You scream as if you're not breathing
But all in vain... He left for another world forever...
You left, the whole world went dark...
my heart is beating barely audibly...
I don't believe you're gone.
Why did it all turn out this way?
You left, taking everything with you...
Tears froze in my eyes...
But in my heart there is only silent pain...
We will forever remember YOU...
Hearts burn and candles cry
According to our dear, dear ones.
And early in the morning, in the afternoon and in the evening
We remember them, yearn and mourn
We ask for eternal rest for their souls
Let's keep the love and memory
And we pray on our knees
And again we yearn and mourn.
All poems are for you, my angel,
Pain pierces them every word,
And the soul cannot find its peace
Until we are together again.
You will live in eternal memory,
And no matter what anyone says,
There, behind the cemetery fence,
The world keeps your memory.
People like you will not be forgotten so easily,
Your eyes will remain shiny with tears.
And for a very long time people will still be
Carry you bouquets of scarlet roses.
Are you sleeping. But everything is so unusual.
Everything reminds me of you.
And only the rain is so quiet, barely audible
Knocking. As if he were saying hello.
It's so hard for me to live without you,
And you - you tease and worry.
You can't replace me
The whole world... But it seems that you can.
I have my own in the world:
Deeds, successes and misfortunes.
I just miss you
For complete human happiness.
It's so hard for me to live without you:
Everything is uncomfortable, everything is worrying...
You cannot replace the world, -
But he can’t do you either!
Our loved ones don't die -
They return with warm rain.
They even return from paradise,
To see how we love and wait.
Running through the gardens and across the field,
Having watered both the flowers and the forests,
Having breathed plenty of native air,
They rise up into the heavens.
They rise up with evaporation,
Turning into a cloud again.
And they spill again - like a downpour,
To see our love.
Our loved ones don't die.
There was a man and suddenly he was gone.
His heart stopped beating.
Mom is crying, my beloved is crying,
What have you done, you ruined him.
But everything could have been different
And don’t help your grief by crying.
You don’t know how to continue to live,
Only during life do you forget to love.
I can't hear my native voice,
No kind, sweet eyes are visible.
Why was fate cruel?
How early you left us!
The Great Tribulation cannot be measured,
Tears won't help me,
You are not with us, but forever
You will not die in our hearts.
Nobody could save you
Died too early.
But the bright image is your dear
We will always remember...
When someone closest to you leaves,
Dear, beloved person.
The whole world will appear as a bitter drama
Where everything turns black, even the snow.
And never! Nothing in the world
The warmth of their hands cannot be replaced.
While you're alive, don't skimp
Give your love to your family...
You have gone into holy eternity,
And our pain cannot be helped,
And the name of pain is infinity...
You left us for another world - there,
From where there is no return,
Leaving a memory of yourself, love,
Sadness and pain of loss.
You reign in heaven,
And we should bring roses to the grave.
May the earth rest in peace to you,
And the soul - eternal peace.
Words cannot express the pain of loss,
Nobody knows when trouble will come.
Fate alone is to blame for this,
That You left us forever, forever.
May it be easy for you there,
And the memory of You will remain here with us.
Sleep well, swan's down to you,
And for the soul - the Kingdom of Heaven.
You have gone into holy eternity, and our pain cannot be helped,
and the name of pain is infinity...
You left us for another world - where there is no return,
leaving memories of yourself, love, sadness and pain of loss.
You reign in heaven, and we carry roses to the grave.
May the earth rest in peace to you and eternal peace to your soul.
